It doesn’t take much (as far as misstepping) to creep out a girl. It’s hard to balance not being a bore with not being perceived as a psychopath. But there’s bad game, and then there’s going too far, complete social incalibration. I just came from an experience where I did the latter, and I don’t want to let myself do it again (or at least not so wholly wrong). So this entry is to take that pain and hopefully learn from it instead of repeating the same mistakes.
I went out to one of my college eateries. Saw a girl sitting by herself, meal about half-eaten, watching a video. I rushed saying “You’re pretty cute, mind if I join you?”, and had to repeat myself. She looked pretty hesitant, and I said, “If you don’t want a handsome guy to join you, I can go somewhere else,” to which she replied, “No, it’s okay.”
Two major things here:
- Bad frame setting from the start. I came in with the frame that “she’s the prize, I’m trying to win her” in my speech and thoughts, which precipitated action that fell into that frame. Instead, I need to cultivate mindsets and speech that says “I’m the prize, she’s trying to convince me”, though it’s hard for me to practice because I’m unused to speaking or thinking like that.
- I should have seen through what she was saying. She was a “maybe”, didn’t want me there, wasn’t interested, probably would be hard to turn into a “yes” even with good game. I’ve seen many times before, exemplified by this time in particular, that girls like these have a hard time giving an outright “no” and if anything only want the male attention and validation (unless we gross them out). I should have said something like, “Sorry, you’re not giving me the right vibes. Have a good day/night.” and then moved onto some other girl who gave better eye contact and vibes. I will pay more attention to body language and tone messages to decide whether to spend my meal time with a girl.
To continue, I sat down with her and found her cautiously curious. She also wasn’t saying much. Perhaps she was still watching her video, I’m not entirely sure. I think she might have been looking down a lot. So I tried a topic, mentioned myself as someone who wears many hats, thought about how bad I am at bringing up topics girls care about in ways that interest them, then as I was inwardly freaking out about what to say between bites of my food (a bad sign from me—I should never freak out about talking to a girl. It should be completely cool, except when I’m excited. I should stay relaxed. Next time, I’ll consciously relax and use more eye contact to think at my leisure), I asked what she was watching.
She didn’t reply, so I said something like, “is it something about Psychology? Like…”
And here’s where things went from poor to atrocious.
I looked up at the ceiling as I was thinking for a few moments. “how foreplay makes the sex better?”
She stared at me, surprised. I didn’t hold long eye contact. I felt somewhat nervous, reactive, still feeling out what might be an interesting topic to get her talking. She then said, “I think I’m going to leave now,” and started gathering up her things. I felt a wave of dread at this. This was near-ultimate miscalibration (or lack of calibration).
So another 2 major things:
3. I should not have said these things at this time. Not by a long shot. If the conversation was at a 2 before in tension, as of 1 minute in, this rocketed it up to 10. This isn’t the first time I’d weirded out someone by saying something “off”, but this was the most drastic change (and reaction) I’ve ever gotten, and the worst I hope to ever see result from my actions. I had a hard time in the moment thinking of what to say to steer it in a sexual direction, but that doesn’t excuse this. I made this girl uncomfortable enough that she felt she had to leave. Polarizing is good, but polarizing this hard when I’m still undeveloped on the flirtation side is like signing up for fighting a constant uphill battle. This was a maybe girl I hadn’t gotten more than 15 words out of (until the rejection). I didn’t know enough to use something like this seriously, and should not have considered it.
4. Once I said those words, I did not lend them their weight. If I were to want to steer the conversation in a sexual direction without being completely creepy, and I were to use those words (or better phrased but still strikingly bold words), I then should follow it up with intent. Holding eye contact, showing I’m serious. I shouldn’t joke about sex if I’m wanting to be taken seriously around it. If a bomb is dropped, I shouldn’t be looking nervously all over or acting shifty, I need to be solid and grounded and committed. Then, even if the girl rejects the idea, I would have given it an honest effort and she would know where I stand.
I sat alone with the pain of having socially incalibrated bad, half-afraid someone would come beat me up or someone would have heard (but it didn’t seem so) while I ate the rest of my meal. After a minute of feeling bad, I (shamefully) turned to my pleasure-device to plug myself into a youtube video and pass the time while I ate. I wish I’d been more relaxed, less reactive and more active in the moment. Not having the other person respond doesn’t mean I’m any less interesting, nor should it get me flustered. It’s a form of shit test if anything (if you even believe that term).
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My progress in the game side has been slowed by lots of schoolwork and social activities, in addition to the current-highest priority of my life: using Mark Queppet’s Reforged Man cohort to quit porn indefinitely.
Because I’m going full-in on fixing the porn-addicted side of my life, I haven’t been able to watch John Anthony’s course videos properly and learn from it. It has at least 60% of what I’ll need to get started seriously, I know, but because sexual fantasy can be a trigger for me and because of my busyness I’ve set it aside to wait for now, until after I’ve completed the “reforge”.
Speaking of which, I highly recommend Mark’s content for mindset stuff (to be more emotionally healthy/centered/grounded) and porn-recovery stuff. I may write an article myself on porn-recovery because I’ve done so much internet reading over the past year or two up to now, and it’s an area few people in the “pickup” sphere discuss in much depth.
On the plus side, with this final time (and I really think this is the final “streak” I’ll ever have unless I choose consciously to view porn again), I am gaining more motivation and drive to improve my dating and social skills as well as doing internal work on my mindsets (including shifting from a “getting x success” mindset to a “making progress towards x success” mindset) which I believe (and the readers here may see in the future, ~65 days from now) will improve my groundedness, relaxedness, and willingness to face discomfort and build tension. I’m also going regularly to the gym with a plan, trying out the Stronglifts 5×5 (with its handy app!) to make palpable progress on exercises.
NightRoller Game 